you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
