Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
