It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
