ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You ruined the universe
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
