She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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