I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
