You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
