it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
