found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
