Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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