and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
