Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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