I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
