he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
did i just pee glitter
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
