i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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