He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
