you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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