Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
