Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
