My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
