I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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