Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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