I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
