Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Randomize
