I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The beer is more important than you right now.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
