I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
