I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
