is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
