Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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