you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
