Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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