I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
