im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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