He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
