You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
