So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
