I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
