Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
