I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
