I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
