You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
