how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
