A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
