Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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