dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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