I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
