Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
