I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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