At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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