That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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